I Survived

I Survived

Published06 June 2019

Reading Time 3 mins

Author Stories of Nepal

Location Nepal

“When I was two years old, father threw me in a water container. Mother tells me when she returned home from the pastures, I was barely alive. I was a daughter, the youngest of us four sisters. A boy was born after me but one morning he did not wake up. I was sleeping with him that night. I could not have been more than three or four years old. The village Jhankri had concluded that I was a bad spirit, a 'Boksi' and that my spells had killed the only son father and mother had. Everyday beatings from father became normal, a part of my childhood. My mother was not spared either. She was almost a mute. She could neither retaliate nor could she run away. I always felt that I was cursed to be born a daughter. If I was born a son, maybe father would have sent me to school or loved me. I tried killing myself several times but I was not successful. Dying was not a fear for me. I thought If I succeeded, it would be a release for my soul. Maybe I could find some peace after all. But I kept living and enduring all the pain that came my way. I did not have much regard for men as I grew up. I had no male role model who was a good human. Emotionally, I had become cold and I really could not feel anything. My depression had also become very severe. It was only when I came into contact with girls who had a similar childhood, I started to see that I was not alone. But for a long time, I could not share my story with them. I was afraid of being judged because all my life, I had been told that everything bad that had happened was my fault. I had trust issues and I could not open up easily. But slowly the love I was receiving changed me. The genuine people who gave me their helping hand told me about hope and how I deserved a happy life. I slowly started opening up. I also saw men who were good people. I saw women who were strong and answered to men without fear. I found a lot of inspiration in that. Today, I have this ability and courage to share my story with you. It is proof that I have come a long way. Today, I still have many memories that leave me sleepless many nights, but I always know the morning will bring hope. The mornings will tell me I am not a curse but a gift."

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